By Jereme Vanderwoude
(A lesson from the letter to Philemon)
All of us have been in the middle of a conflict between two parties or have been confided in with a hurt done against an individual or group. The letter to Philemon gives great insight into how to conduct ourselves and how to lead a conflict or a problem toward resolution.
If you aren’t familiar with the letter to Philemon, I encourage you to read it and understand the basics. But here is a brief summary:
Paul is in prison when he writes this letter to his “beloved fellow worker” Philemon, who we know from other places in the New Testament, lived in Colossae (Colossians 4:9). Philemon had a bondservant named Onesimus who had wronged Philemon in some way or another that the Scriptures do not specify. Either he ran away, or stole something from him or maybe both? Yet somehow Onesimus finds his way to Paul in prison and seemingly turns from whatever wrong he has done and truly comes to know Jesus (Philemon 15-16). Paul is sending Onesimus back to Philemon to be reconciled and this letter is his attempt to persuade Philemon to receive him back with gratitude and forgiveness. He is “brokering” peace between them.
Here are some observations:
1) Pray
Paul starts by praying for Philemon. He says in verse 4 “I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers…”
How often we start with our own thoughts and logic towards a solution, and how much we need God to be working before we speak and act. Step one in helping a conflict is to pray.
2) Affirm
Paul reminds Philemon of his identity and character in Christ. That Philemon has been a person of love and faith “toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints” (v.5). Paul reminds Philemon of the love he has shown Paul in the past and how the “hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you” (v.7).
There is an element of being tactful and “sneaky” that Paul uses here. Before asking him to do something loving towards a “saint” (Onesimus), he tells him how much of a loving person he is and has been in the past. He tells him something he is before something he should do. Before asking and urging someone to do the right thing, we
should seek to believe that this person is the kind of person in Christ who would want to do what is right because of Christ in them.
It brings up an important point about identity in Christ: if we are in Christ, we now share in his nature and character, meaning we are now loving people because Christ is loving towards people. We love the saints because Christ loves the saints and Christ is in us. And yet, we often don’t live in accordance with our identity and we grieve the Spirit of God inside us because of our contrariness to Him.
Do we approach our brother and sister believing it is in their identity to be loving and forgiving as Christ is, even as we urge them to love and forgive?
3) Validate [the wrong]
Paul doesn’t brush under the rug what Onesimus did, he mentions it and acknowledges the need for restitution. “Formerly he was useless to you…” (v.11) and “If he has wronged you at all, or owes you anything, charge that to my account” (v.18). Paul seeks to build trust and confidence with Philemon by showing him that he understands that a wrong has been committed and that wrong needs to be made right. He does not take the side of either Onenimus or Philemon. But unbiasedly seeks the good of all for the sake of Christ.
Proverbs 11:1 says “The LORD detests dishonest scales, but accurate weights find favor with him” (NIV). If we are going to be a helpful voice towards resolution between two parties, we must try our hardest to not be biased towards another out of preference or favoritism. Even if we find one party to be more in the wrong than another, we must let the scales of our discernment and judgement to true, fair and accurate. If we are able to acknowledge wrong and right unbiasedly it builds trust and confidence that we are acting in good faith and not siding with one party over another as we strongly urge for the right thing to be done. Our instruction will go further with people as we validate the wrong done unbiasedly.
4) Direct
Paul gives insight, vision and instruction of what Philemon should do. He states clearly what Philemon should do. “…receive him as you would receive me” (v.17) and “Yes, brother, I want some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ” (v.20).
We should follow Paul’s example in giving clear instruction to people even as we affirm and validate. We shouldn’t seek to just be people to confide in but people who instruct in what is right.
5) Appeal
Perhaps the most noteworthy piece from this example is Paul’s use of authority or rather his appeal in love. “Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love’s sake I prefer to appeal to you…” (v.8-9) and verse 14 says: “…but I preferred to do nothing without your consent in order that your goodness might not be by compulsion but of your own accord.”
Paul says that he has the authority and “boldness” to command but prefers to appeal in love. Other Scriptures show that we have authority as the Church and as does an elder to enforce the Word with authority where there is disobedience or lack of submission to the Word (1 Tim. 4:11, Titus 2:15). Yet may our first approach be like Paul’s. For Paul shows that he isn’t just seeking the right actions to be done in this situation, but the right hearts of the people involved. What is better than people doing the right thing? People wanting to do the right thing out of their own accord in Christ. He starts from a place of believing that because Philemon is in Christ, that he would want to do what is right even as he urges him to do what is right. Verse 21 says “Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say.”
This in a lot of ways is an excellent example in “godly persuasion” unto the glory of God and the good of all people. May we learn from this as we work to see healthy disciples of Christ and a holy and mature Church.
- Pray,
- Affirm,
- Validate [the wrong],
- Direct,
- Appeal
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